To Grieve…

This is a bit of a special post given that this is a bit of a special day.

When you see me right now, you’d probably find me typing through this blog with severely clogged nose with tears streaming down my face. I’ve been holding it in for a long time (goes to pee), no just kidding..

So I woke up all cozy and all (since I got to sleep earlier than usual #victory), and I find myself going down the stairs looking for my grandmother. I see her outside doing something and as I come near her, I hear her sniffles. I wondered, why?

…..she told me our close family friend died….I looked at my grandmother and she was trying to keep those tears in, I admit, my grandmother is one strong person and I don’t like seeing her cry.

She told me the text that came with the depressing message. I started to tear up but decided not to cry in front of her because she doesn’t need me to cry with her, I need her to go to her friend’s place and be with her friend for the last time. I pushed her inside for her to dress up, she kept scolding me that she has to cook me breakfast, I said in a blank face, “Ma (I call her Ma short for Mama #sweet), I can cook on my own anything, but you need to be their for your friend.”

She took it as a comfort and went out.

I stared at the door for solid 10 minutes. You see, I am the type of person who processes things in my mind slower than usual. I heard what happened, I know the story but all I could feel in my heart is a blank void. Just.. blank…

I could not think of anything or even DO anything other than to stare at the door. After a couple of minutes, all things come crashing down causing me to start to tear up alone at home. She was my grandmother’s friend, and the grandmother of my friend. Although we haven’t seen each other as often as before, I still loved her (despite not being at peace with her granddaughter).

For me death is a reality, it comes with the job (*gasps* – no, not THAT way), but to actually experience it this close made it all feel surreal. As a kid I was never able to mourn for any body in my family because my parents have this talent of keeping things from me to not make me sad and it turned out that I can’t comprehend the concept that someone in my life is gone until I personally see them.

There was this one time, a teacher of mine died. We weren’t on good terms when I graduated and I never had the heart to contact him at all. He wasn’t worth the shot. But when I heard that he died later last year, I went to his funeral and saw him inside the casket all white and clean and I just legit stared at him.

…all that was in my mind was the thought, “is this real?”

I don’t know why I became this person but I still cannot grasp the concept of death in its actual form. And that leaves me in a SEVERELY confused state right now. I’m torn between the hopes of finding my grandma’s friend alive and well when I go visit and the logical part of my brain saying “she’s gone.”

grieving-parents-004

To my grandmother’s friend, I know you’re up there being happy. And I hope you’ll stay that way and keep smiling. I think it’ll be fun out there. The worst part is over. Please be happy.

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– Mindless Adventurer

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3 thoughts on “To Grieve…

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother’s friend passing away. I’m sorry that you both were made aware through text.

    I know the exact feeling of that initial shock we experience when somebody close to us dies. It is almost as if time suddenly slows down. Time begins to take longer. Mouths freeze. Conversation stops. Life halts.

    My older brother passed away when he was 14 years old. I was 11. We had spent 11 years sleeping in the same room. It came as a shock as well. On Saturdays, I half-expected him to come walking through the front door, his scout uniform loose and backpack covered in dirt, letting us know that the BSA camp-out was awesome.

    It has been 8 years since that dreary day, 8 years as of 3/12.

    I didn’t cry when Taylor died. I didn’t cry when Dad called out to Mom. I didn’t cry when my family gathered together around his bed.

    I cried when I sat at the foot of our bunk bed, and began reading from the Book of Mormon, another Testament of Jesus Christ. “It has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body…are taken home to that God who gave them life” (Alma 40:11). For me, my tears – not of sorrow, but of relief – came from the knowledge that Jesus has made it possible for us to return to live with God in Heaven.

    To Mindless Wander, I’d invite you to take time this Easter to ponder about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. It has been this miracle that has helped me overcome the grief that I have experienced, and that I occasionally still do experience. I don’t know if you’ve seen this video yet; it came out a while ago. But it highlights what is possible because of Jesus Christ and what He has done for us. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S3TI4bYerU

    #Because of Him

    Praying for you, your grandmother, and your friend’s family.

    Like

    1. Hi Matt 🙂 Thank you so much for this. I am happy that someone understands. Although, I’ll admit, you’ve had it worse. But I think right now, you’re beginning to heal (am I right?). Thank you for the wonderful video.
      Praying for you and your family. Take Care and Stay Awesome *wink*

      Like

      1. I’m happy I am able to relate. Yes, I’ve been healing over these last couple years. It has been hard at times, but it has healed over quite well.

        Of course, there are times when I really miss him. A lot. But I find that in those moments, my prayers are more sincere. And during those times, I always find God’s love and comfort. Seriously, I don’t think I could have lived without those.

        Like

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