This is a bit of a special post given that this is a bit of a special day.
When you see me right now, you’d probably find me typing through this blog with severely clogged nose with tears streaming down my face. I’ve been holding it in for a long time (goes to pee), no just kidding..
So I woke up all cozy and all (since I got to sleep earlier than usual #victory), and I find myself going down the stairs looking for my grandmother. I see her outside doing something and as I come near her, I hear her sniffles. I wondered, why?
…..she told me our close family friend died….I looked at my grandmother and she was trying to keep those tears in, I admit, my grandmother is one strong person and I don’t like seeing her cry.
She told me the text that came with the depressing message. I started to tear up but decided not to cry in front of her because she doesn’t need me to cry with her, I need her to go to her friend’s place and be with her friend for the last time. I pushed her inside for her to dress up, she kept scolding me that she has to cook me breakfast, I said in a blank face, “Ma (I call her Ma short for Mama #sweet), I can cook on my own anything, but you need to be their for your friend.”
She took it as a comfort and went out.
I stared at the door for solid 10 minutes. You see, I am the type of person who processes things in my mind slower than usual. I heard what happened, I know the story but all I could feel in my heart is a blank void. Just.. blank…
I could not think of anything or even DO anything other than to stare at the door. After a couple of minutes, all things come crashing down causing me to start to tear up alone at home. She was my grandmother’s friend, and the grandmother of my friend. Although we haven’t seen each other as often as before, I still loved her (despite not being at peace with her granddaughter).
For me death is a reality, it comes with the job (*gasps* – no, not THAT way), but to actually experience it this close made it all feel surreal. As a kid I was never able to mourn for any body in my family because my parents have this talent of keeping things from me to not make me sad and it turned out that I can’t comprehend the concept that someone in my life is gone until I personally see them.
There was this one time, a teacher of mine died. We weren’t on good terms when I graduated and I never had the heart to contact him at all. He wasn’t worth the shot. But when I heard that he died later last year, I went to his funeral and saw him inside the casket all white and clean and I just legit stared at him.
…all that was in my mind was the thought, “is this real?”
I don’t know why I became this person but I still cannot grasp the concept of death in its actual form. And that leaves me in a SEVERELY confused state right now. I’m torn between the hopes of finding my grandma’s friend alive and well when I go visit and the logical part of my brain saying “she’s gone.”
To my grandmother’s friend, I know you’re up there being happy. And I hope you’ll stay that way and keep smiling. I think it’ll be fun out there. The worst part is over. Please be happy.
– Mindless Adventurer