Existential Crisis…

I sometimes wonder if I should lay off with LESS internet for years and just hibernate inside a cave somewhere were the power of the almighty internet will never reach me.

I browse the internet a lot, to the point that if I could calculate all the hours I spent on the internet rather than on what I actually need to do, then I’d probably scream uncontrollably like a hyena and laugh so hard my guts would jump out out of my stomach.

huh, nice mental image there , oh yeah…weird people all the way.

Boom epic sidetrack.

Anyway, so I was trying to say that I was browsing the ‘net, and I came upon a post. And it just completely blew my mind. Its like a switch turned on inside my brain and I just…

*dramatic pause*

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*more dramatic pause*

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(okay self, that’s enough pauses for a whole century)

It was this one.

11150157_603440033140531_7605959716374540814_n

IT BLEW MY MIND.

I just literally spend minutes staring at my screen to the point that my sister had to snap her fingers in front of my face to bring me back to earth. “You okay?” 

Not….not…really.”

I found it amazing how these few words could affect me so much when, if I think about it, if I haven’t seen this I would not have thought of this at all. But it did. And it left me absolutely speechless and troubled.

I  felt like my heart is hurting and my brain shut off for an entire minute. I had to open a message box for my friend and go like, “bruh bruh, look. I’m dying of i-don’t-know”

It struck me so bad that when I look at myself right now, am I truly happy? Is this really what I want?

I have posted before that life is defined by the choices we make, that is what makes us who we are and the problem about this is that when you f*ck up, you have no one to blame but yourself.(Check it out here: https://mindlessadventurer.wordpress.com/2015/04/06/confession/).

But in the end, are you happy?

Are you, undeniably….happy?

Are you not faking the I’m fine’s? Are you smiling for real or are you wearing your mask on right now?

I looked at myself and all I see is the thick layer of masks that I had to create to live in a world where happiness is but a dream, it may not happen at all. I see the tear streak on my face that I try so hard to find just to fake happiness, wishing it was real.

I see all the lies I said just to make my life a tiny bit livelier, I see all the things I did to achieve that out-of-reach “happiness”. But in the end, I must admit, I am no where near grasping even the edge of its wings.

I lie in my bed pondering about everything. Is everything worth it? I have suffered these past few years, it led me to uncontrollable bucket-load tears, it led me to actually contemplate about my life (you know what I mean) and it made me contemplate if I could just toss all these worries in the air and just say “F*ck it.” and run towards well-deserved isolation.

The poor girl inside of me is trying desperately to break out and give up, to just run to the calm and restfulness my body and my heart desires.

I can’t.

Why?

Because the brave girl playing inside me keeps on fighting on. The brave girl who decides to cry out in frustration and sadness a few times and stand up and move forward. The brave girl who takes control of this body keeps on deciding, “Stop being a loser, we can do this together.” This brave girl brings me to my knees begging her to stop and let someone else take the reign.

She doesn’t let go.

Her pride, ego and determination is above every hurt I have every had. Her desire to find happiness by pushing through the troubles I undergo exceeds the desire to rest and cry in the deepest corner of darkness. She is bruised and battered. She cries every night. She deals with rejection everyday, and yet, she finds the strength to stand up and push that middle finger in the air and say.

I can do this. This is me. I can do this.

I want her to give up so bad. I want my freedom and my break. But she whisper’s the words that makes my heart jump and skip a beat every single time, making me take my own battered feet, my bruised heart, my slumping shoulders and hold my chin held high…

We’re nearly there. Hang on.”

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And I do. I keep hanging on.

Is it worth it?

I don’t know.

Maybe it will be.

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– Mindless Adventurer

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2 thoughts on “Existential Crisis…

  1. I can assure you, it is worth it.
    I’ve been through a lot and I’m there. I’m happy. If I died tomorrow, I would die a happy person with no regrets.
    I’m an explorer, an inquisitive person. I wouldn’t love dying without knowing about history and science. The world outside the one we live in. But, as far as happiness is concerned, I wouldn’t die a depressed, lonely person.
    I’m sure I’m satisfied with life even though I have many a time been on the verge of making that jump and ending my worries.
    Keep hanging on. Life is worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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