What happened to 20 years?

I surround myself to thousands of people everyday because of what I do in my life. Yes, I face my fears of going through crowds and actually initiating conversations. And yet, I find myself coming back to you all the time.

You stand as my strength. You give me the ‘push’ to do what I have to do.

So why are you making things hard for me now?

We have made many memories together, more so than anyone else. And I am grateful for the memories, and I respect your role in my life. 

So how come you act like you never knew me? 

It became the biggest insult in my life. 

And the funny thing is, you never knew it. 

Despite our years together you never knew it. 

How come in times of my troubles, you never knew how to react the way I need you to? 

Whenever I have a problem, I love my solitude. I may lose control of my tears in front of you but I will never let you see them fall. I may let you hear my sniffles but I will never let you hear my wails. I will run away from you not from my lack of trust but because I prefer suffering alone.

I don’t need an audience to look at my sorry face and see how much pain I am in. I don’t need someone who will continuously bother me with answers on what solutions or what I am gonna due to solve my problem because godammit I am suffering here. I need my time.

I need time to think. Alone.

Time is all I ask. And I know that in your side of the argument you feel obligated to ‘help’ me. But no. You’re making matters worse. You are invading my solitude in a whole new level. And I am in too much pain to even comprehend your annoying nudges to get words out of my mouth. 

And You know what? I don’t want to share them with you.

Yet.

I will open up to someone in time. Give me a day or two, and I’ll hop on your annoying train of thought and ask for help. But GOD can you please back off?! Is that hard to understand?! I prefer solving things on my own and I shall do it as much as I can so why can’t you trust me?! 

If I can’t do it then heck I’ll come running straight to you. Right in front of you.

The thing is, I know I have made a mistake. It may have been blown out of proportions but the day I give myself is a day where I think hard, or simply rest. To rest because, I. Am. So. Damn. Tired.

Why can’t you see that?

Then you go through making things worse for me by shoving my mistake in MY FACE REPEATEDLY saying how much of a lazy person I am, how much I should have done this and that.

LOOK! I know already okay?! Why’d you think I was quiet all this time?! I’m thinking! You are the absolute worst person to share my problems with, you practically add problems WITH another problem.

I need a break from everything and you’re stopping me headfirst.

After all these years, 20 to be exact, you still don’t get me? We will fight all day and all night and never will I open up to you when all you do is yell at me. I will stand on my belief of resting and having a literal ‘peace of mind’ before solving the problem head-on. And I will never give that up no matter how much you yell

.

.

.

.

I grew up in front of you like this. And all this time I’ve realized, you never really knew me. 

.

.

And you call yourself a parent.

.

.

M.A.

(this is in no way aiming to insult parents. Its just my way of releasig the stress of improper problem solving from my side of the party. I am sorry if I have offended people, but some have to see that maybe pestering and yelling never really does wonders during fights.) 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s