I have grown up to be the person I never thought I could be, well, in truth I always think that I could have done a whole lot better. But when it comes to growing up, I guess nothing is really certain as to how we are to grow. But one thing in life is certain, no amount of pain will ever leave anyone unscathed.
This is a bit of a confession and an inspirational post to people who needs it and to myself, when I’m feeling down, I could just go visit my post and read it all over again. Narcissistic? Not really. Helpful? Yes, or maybe I hope so, ’cause I’m just winging this.
I have lived my life being scorned by the people I thought I loved and I thought loved me, but as all people in the world have experienced, what I thought was entirely wrong. I grew up in a loving family, where success is bred and achievements are expected, and despite the pressure from several people in my family, I learned to love and appreciate what they gave to me despite the hardships I went through to make them happy.
But the thing is, love does not extend to everyone else, as many people have probably quoted time and time again, ‘You can’t make everyone love you.’ And I understood that phrase in more painful ways than one.
As I was learning through school, I had friends, I was an introvert but I had close friends with me, I had no problems with the teachers and I, somehow by a freakin’ miracle, I’m passing my classes and I was totally fine with that. Boom, happy life.
Recently has the world embraced the truth that bullying is a thing and that it does not account to any attention-seeking behavior kids may have. I appreciate how much we have evolved to understand that most of the times, because you are a kid, you are prone to as much heartache as anyone else. Despite our low level of comprehension and garbled speech, it does not equate to us being emotionally attention-seeking. And I would like to share an imaginary toast to parents who were able to understand that kids go through as much troubles as we, adults.
God, I just called myself an adult. Yeah, with a mind-set of a 10 year old. (Seriously my mom said this to me – thanks mom love you too #sarcasm)
I, among thousands of silent and fearful children, was bullied, the one good thing I can think about it, is that it was never physical – I was too wrapped up in the care of the teachers in my school (Thank God) to even experience physical abuse from other kids. But it did not stop with the name-calling.
You see, I grew up big for my age, when I say big I mean fat. I still am, until this day. And I just gotta say, the whole world is just begging to tell you all your flaws. I find it increasingly humorous at how ‘childish’ a lot of people in the world are. I actually consider some of the kids I’ve been with (now that I’m an adult) more mature than most people I know, their innocence is their strength and our maturity is our greatest weakness.
I spent years in my life being tormented of the fact that I could never wear tight-fitting shirts, shorts, skirts because the moment they see me in those, they’d make a fool of me and make fun of what I look like. I grew in fear knowing that I should hide my body from everyone else and skip swimming with them in fear of showing my stomach, or even my legs or my whole body for that matter. I grew up knowing, that no one will ever appreciate what I look like.
It all came down to those small snarky remarks kids and adults alike will throw at me. Yes, I eat a lot and I enjoy it. I am trying to control myself but I want to make myself change not for the sake of others but for me. But in all honesty, its hard. Its too hard knowing that somehow, deep inside you, you want everyone to tell you for once in your life that ‘hey, you’re pretty’ or ‘Hi, Ms. Beautiful’. Would it take me to go down on my knees just to hear those sweet words?
I hate to think that the intellect of human race resides only on what they see. And apparently we DO judge people what they look like and I have grown to hate that. I have grown to hate my body, knowing that my size is laughable to a whole lot of people, that majority of the cute clothes I wanted to try out would never make a size just for me, and that I could never stand even an inch closer to all those skinny and fair-sized friends because my own size becomes visible for torment.
Now I find myself wearing black and over-sized shirts, jeans all the time, sweatpants, rubber shoes or sneakers, all in the sake for people to stop noticing what I look like. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. For my friends, they never did came with the trend of making me feel worse because of what I look like, but being the extremely jolly self I am, I try to make jokes about my size whenever they themselves feel conscious about their size.
“Augh I feel fat my skirt’s not fitting me anymore’ – ‘Hey, at least you can go on a diet for a little bit and fit into it unlike me who probably has to go a year of diet before I can shave these fats off’
i want to make them smile and be proud of what they look like but what hurts is when they answer back with a ‘you’re right.’ Yes I made them feel happy, but the mere fact that they agreed to my joke just pushed the dagger deep into my heart. Sometimes, to the people you love, just because they become comfortable with you, they may start making jokes about what you look like to make lively conversation, and you fall for it. You laugh with them, but at the end of the day, it still hurts.
I can’t go out here in this blog telling people to be ‘proud of yourself’ and ‘wear anything you like because you’re beautiful no matter what size you are’ because I, myself is nowhere near that milestone. But here is what I can say about us…
Look into the mirror.
Stare at your body and look back up your face.
Now…smile. Smile the biggest smile you can ever have.
Look back down your body and search for the chubbiest part you have.
Look at your face again and say.
This is the part where we should accept what we are, and that we need to do something about it. Yes, we feel ugly because of certain parts of our body, and for health reasons and personal reasons, we need to change. So here’s the plan, cope with every stress you have as long as you can and pull through life as much as you can. Answer back to the people who make you feel bad and throw a few middle fingers (NOPE NOT AT THEM) at the sky and move forward, like literally let’s exercise a bit, wee need it. (haha! got ya’ there)
To all the people like me, let’s just wait for the proper moment in our lives, where you can scroll through the room and open the expansive doors at the party and watch every eyes on you because we’ve worked our way to make ourselves feel better and look better, not for the people who made fun of us..maybe for ourselves..
but more so we can see those looks of surprise on their faces like ‘Haha! Suprise B*tch!’